Whimsical Mentionings

i know i think i’m overly special, but i do think that of most of my friends, i would think i’d be one of the first to be academically burnt out at the end of this year. 

i started off college burnt out, in need of a gap year, but too afraid and weak to demand to my parents that i needed one. but something happened last year - the reason i started to back away from newspaper - i started to like learning. the challenge, the struggle, the accomplishment of figuring out each math proof, even if it took hours of tutoring and major help to get through. it was a subject my peers and i knew was difficult, something society viewed as difficult, and something i could understand.

i took classes last summer - digital photography and investigative journalism and data analysis and forecasting - to fulfill my distributional credits, and these were the classes that really taught me the value of this liberal arts education - the reason i started to be glad i was at yale. 

so now i’ve been in classes since fall of sophomore year. and i would be ready to do another summer of classes if i didn’t have an internship already. i’m not burnt out - i’m happy academically (a little stressed, but happy), socially, and mentally. i’m happy, and i’m satisfied.

it’s a good thing that i’ve started to truly like learning and classes for the first time possibly ever. after all, that’s what grad school is like

I had lunch with a girl today - a senior whom I don’t know that well. She’s A’s good friend, and I always thought I wanted to get to know her better. 

I was sad that I hadn’t since I always trusted A to be a good judge of character in the past. But I’d never talked to just her for a while. And I no longer really regret not making an effort to see her more - after all, she never did to me.

But more importantly, I realized for the first time that I actually didn’t like her personality - at least, not the one I saw today. I found her to actually be vapid (I’ve never called anyone vapid before). She didn’t want to talk about graduation or leaving (which I can understand) or her senior essay (which I don’t really get). We fell into a couple awkward silences in the 30 minute period, and knowing myself and how rarely I am at a loss for words, that’s not the best news.  I felt like I was driving every point of the conversation and that my parting “hope I see you again before you graduate” was so utterly forced. 

She made such an effort to distance herself “we have very different interests,” “what I’m doing after graduation is very different from you,” etc. It was like she wanted to put a size of the ocean between us. It was the complete lack of connection - devoid of any invested interest. And I wondered why she was like this - whether it was with me in this situation or her normal behavior in general - and if it was the latter, how she pressed on in this way despite her talk of how “relationships” rather than social/academic “success” was important; because, to me, this was the exact opposite. 

And to be honest, I can’t really understand why she was like that; but the good thing is, I suppose, I’m not hurt because I don’t care. 

However, I’m writing on this because it was a learning experience and because I hope I don’t turn into her next year - the one that doesn’t care, the one that isn’t taking each moment and experience and soaking it up because - not despite the fact that - I may never meet that person again, and I may never get to learn about or from that person. 

So I came out of that 30 minute lunch with something - the realization that I don’t like everyone - don’t even enough to want to spend more time with them if I could - even those people I thought I would. It was a new discovery for me - I wonder what she got out of it. 

On another note, I wonder what A thinks of me now - I see him so rarely.

…

I’ve come to realize that I gave him physical time support, and he gave me emotional support. And the reciprocal on each respectively was too low. That’s why as I drew away time support, he became resentful of just giving emotional support, which I had become dependent on. 

this week i gave up leadership roles in 4 activities. i’m scheduling an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow. 

i will beat this eating disorder. i will not let this take over my life forever.

failure is truly not an option.

and i’m ready enough to call this closure.

it’s enough. perhaps more than enough.

he apologized for whatever harm, pain, etc he caused. 

and he said he never really thought about it.

and he said it wasn’t something he felt uncomfortable about.

and he said my guess was as good as his about what he was thinking then.

he even said he was sorry he couldn’t help more.

…

and i feel calm now. i feel like this is something i won’t have to think about again. 

and i think it’s allowed me to break all those links to this situation in my network of yale problems.

and i feel a little lighter, a little happier, and a whole lot prouder of myself that i actually went through with this.

notes, 9/26 morning

- allergic reaction two days ago after running - things finally returning to normal

- i suck at networking. i just sent my thank you emails from the career fair. oops.

- i am terrified of not finding a “good” summer internship

- i am terrified of not finding a job

- i think hanging out around the seniors in my classes make me extra freaked out