this whole applied math major thing
sometimes, actually quite frequently, i wonder what i’m doing with my life.
i’m terribly afraid that i’ve somehow gotten lost, that i’ve made decisions not because of what i truly wanted but rather because of what i was so afraid to do. the prime example is science or medicine - i know i don’t like science, but i don’t know why i don’t like it. all i know is that it was “hard” - challenging to the point where i didn’t immediately understand what was going on. challenging to the point where after an hour i still might not be proficient. and sometimes i think that’s why i stopped concentrating on science - not because i couldn’t overcome my struggles but because i was afraid of the work. this scares me because i’ve built my whole life, indeed my entire college application, on the foundation that i’m the hard worker who fights back against any obstacles. the idea that i was simply too lazy to pursue hard science is terrifying. it means i’m not who i always thought i was; it means i don’t know who i am.
these feelings of doubt, and perhaps of regret, come as consequences of staying at home so far this summer and the acknowledgement that perhaps applied mathematics is not exactly my forte either. the textbook for stat 241 - the class i’m supposed to be preparing for but have been avoiding like the plague - is terrifying. there are proofs and weird formulas with the words “suppose” and “assume” and letters like “n” and “i” representing any number in the world. and it’s required for this lofty applied mathematics major, a concentration my father suggested because it was “easy”. in each section of the chapter, i can do the first three problems, then suddenly the questions seem to have nothing to do with what the text just covered - they’re extensions beyond my direct application. i’m lost and i feel like i have no where to go. i don’t know what to do or how to get back on track. indeed, i don’t even know where the race is, much less how to run it.
i’ve given up the premed track, i’m horrible at econ, and if i can’t do this whole “easy” math thing, what is there left to do? well, not science and math - what my parents, and every chinese parent, believes is what the “strong students” pursue. and along with the notion that i need to be the hard worker that never gives up, i also have the idea ingrained in my mind that i have to be that “strong student” in order to be a great daughter. it’s part of my identity. and the more i think about it, the more i’m afraid i’ll be caught with this fake id in hand.
add the whole “unknown future” aspect of humanities and social science and i have no idea what to do or how to proceed.
often i wonder if i took the easy way out at yale - if i saw my 5 social science and arts majors and said hey, science isn’t for me - it’s hard and tiring and i can do something else that i “love”. i’ve always been a strong believer that tj made me smarter for the environment i was in. and i have no doubt my analytical skills would be better if i had gone to mit instead of yale.
these doubts are also undoubtedly related to the fear that i was in a better state of mind at the end of junior or senior year. perhaps psychologically not a better state of mind, and it’s certainly true that i was majorly burned out, but i know tj puts it’s students in a sink or die situation with grades and colleges. it is in this state where many people - pushed to their limits - crack under pressure and get straight b-plusses, a result of dropping that one ball that led the entire juggling act to topple over, and it’s also where people push through and persevere and learn more than they could have thought possible, more than they are naturally able to.
for me, i like to think it was the latter. indeed it was certainly not the former. perhaps it was only a bit of the latter.
add that to my failure intro econ, and i’m lost. at least with medicine i knew i could get into a medical school. i knew afterwards, i’d have a fairly stable income. i knew what classes to take, what activities to do, i knew where my life is going. and now, i’m unsure and lost. in a sense it’s irrational to believe that i should have my life figured out at 18, but that’s what my parents always taught me.
ugh this, and my life, is such a mess. but i need to sleep now. practice in three hours. #whatamidoingwithmylife
