autobiography
i think that if i were to write an autobiography of my life, no one would read it it would be about my eating issues and how they’ve been the backdrop of everything in my life.
when i think about it, they’re often subconsciously the reason for so many of my decisions and issues.for instance, low self esteem leading to unfortunate situations where i try to convince myself i’m worthwhile - like when that scale hit a number it never has and i turned around and dressed for a night out with half my boobs hanging out, determined to prove something to the world, but more so to myself.
another example is how i dread these trips to china, because beyond the allergies and pollution, i hate when i walk on the street and people stare at me - because this size 4 that i’m currently at is really quite large compared the genetically blessed size 00 chinese twigs walking around.
what’s awful is that it’s so taboo to talk about eating issues. it’s an issue so many people have, yet so few people are really willing to admit to others - like therapy. both of these i “indulge” in. sometimes i’m quite vocal about my experiences with therapy and eating issues, and then there is when i close off about both. i know with certainty that i wouldn’t want an employer to know about my issues, that i wouldn’t want my professors to know. in this modern era, there is still a connotation of shame associated with eating issues and therapy - a sense of well, if there isn’t anything wrong with you, it isn’t needed. this is truly unfortunate for those who have major issues and are afraid to speak about it for the fear that they will be judged as less than perfect. sometimes i wonder how others fall into eating issues - i know mine stem from skating, but what about others? i imagine most blame the media, what’s always to blame for the vices of youth. i wonder if it’s more a product of our environment - media and all. regardless the cause, it’s a serious issue, and i believe that the less taboo it becomes to speak about this, the less widespread it will be.
to people who’ve never had eating issues, it seems easy: just eat well and exercise and be happy with who you are. but to those who have, they know every mirror is a test and every number is a celebration or a cause for tears.
i often wish i could change the world, and i sometimes even wish i could change this most of all, because i’ve wasted a horrible amount of time on counting calories, stepping on scales, and over-exercising. i wish i could articulate my ideas well enough to write about this one day in the hopes that i could help out some child who, though without horrific hardships of abuse or poverty, struggles in something where there is seemingly so much support (for instance with runway model size requirements and such) but in reality, in the moment, it seems like there is none.
